I am human. I am complex. I made choices:
- I want a kiddo.
- I can be sad or angry for myself, but that should not preclude me from being happy for others, or sympathetic when they are having a tough time parenting. It's not all about me; I chose not to be hypersensitive to every thing to the point of offense (and, yes, I believe this is a choice. Maybe I'm harsh...but oh well; I am a little fatigued of women feeling like no one else in the world should dare speak baby in front of them, or complain about how tough things can get.)
- That I would be honest and forthcoming, with the good and ugly, so that other women wouldn't feel alone or ashamed that they are feeling "abnormal"
- That starting a family -- and the challenges to get there -- would not be my main topic of conversation day in and day out.
That said. I am human. The last year has not been easy. Keeping up the "good fight" has not been easy. Maintaining work, life...not easy.
Some days I get sad. I'd be lying if I didn't admit that a lot of the time, I also get angry. A lot of this doesn't seem fair (J's response to this is usually, "Life isn't always fair, it's complicated."), and makes me question every single thing I have done with my reproductive health throughout my life -- should I have stayed on the pill so long? Did the IUD do something? Maybe I shouldn't have gotten the D&C? WHY ME (but really, more, why any of us)?
It's also unfair to J -- this isn't what he planned in his life, either -- but he seems to handle it much better than I.
I see everyone around me with babies, and occasionally I wonder, "why not me?" "When will it be my turn?" I am not a patient person, I am also not a passive person....I am a doer who goes after what she wants. This new process we are in, however, doesn't allow for much active behavior. There's a lot of waiting. And I feel like I can't move forward in other parts of my life while this is in limbo.
I watch shows like Girls, where this season, Hannah Horvath, the main character, gets pregnant accidentally. And I am in awe (and yes, I know this is a TV show)...everyone I know who is trying to get pregnant has to take their temp each morning, log everything in an app, take an ovulation test...but here it's easy (it always is on TV...except for my new spirit animals: Monica & Chandler). I wonder if our child's birth mother might be someone like Hannah -- a twenty-something who suddenly finds herself pregnant. And I wish and hope that this woman who will be our child's birth mother would just find us already.
I am human. I am sad. I am angry. But I am ok. I made choices. And I have found that I am stronger than I thought I was, or could be.