Sometimes, I Get Angry

I am tired of the fertility posts that are either -- hey, look at the bright side, they kept their heads up, blah blah nobabycakes; or, I am so sad and can't believe other people are so rude to be having a baby when I have problems, woe is me. It's like there is no middle ground.

I am human. I am complex. I made choices:

• I want a kiddo. 
• I can be sad or angry for myself, but that should not preclude me from being happy for others, or sympathetic when they are having a tough time parenting. It's not all about me; I chose not to be hypersensitive to every thing to the point of offense (and, yes, I believe this is a choice. Maybe I'm harsh...but oh well; I am a little fatigued of women feeling like no one else in the world should dare speak baby in front of them, or complain about how tough things can get.) 
• That I would be honest and forthcoming, with the good and ugly, so that other women wouldn't feel alone or ashamed that they are feeling "abnormal" 
• That starting a family -- and the challenges to get there -- would not be my main topic of conversation day in and day out.

That said. I am human. The last year has not been easy. Keeping up the "good fight" has not been easy. Maintaining work, life...not easy.

Some days I get sad. I'd be lying if I didn't admit that a lot of the time, I also get angry. A lot of this doesn't seem fair (J's response to this is usually, "Life isn't always fair, it's complicated."), and makes me question every single thing I have done with my reproductive health throughout my life -- should I have stayed on the pill so long? Did the IUD do something? Maybe I shouldn't have gotten the D&C? WHY ME (but really, more, why any of us)?

It's also unfair to J -- this isn't what he planned in his life, either -- but he seems to handle it much better than I.

I see everyone around me with babies, and occasionally I wonder, "why not me?" "When will it be my turn?" I am not a patient person, I am also not a passive person....I am a doer who goes after what she wants. This new process we are in, however, doesn't allow for much active behavior. There's a lot of waiting. And I feel like I can't move forward in other parts of my life while this is in limbo.

I watch shows like Girls, where this season, Hannah Horvath, the main character, gets pregnant accidentally. And I am in awe (and yes, I know this is a TV show)...everyone I know who is trying to get pregnant has to take their temp each morning, log everything in an app, take an ovulation test...but here it's easy (it always is on TV...except for my new spirit animals: Monica & Chandler). I wonder if our child's birth mother might be someone like Hannah -- a twenty-something who suddenly finds herself pregnant. And I wish and hope that this woman who will be our child's birth mother would just find us already.

I am human. I am sad. I am angry. But I am ok. I made choices. And I have found that I am stronger than I thought I was, or could be.

Hello 2017!

2016...a year I am looking forward to putting in the history books.

For me it is marked by loss -- very personal loss.

The world is not completely cruel -- along with the loss I had some gains...I was lucky enough to gain two beautiful new nephews. I am loving watching them grow.

But I do hope 2017 brings more gains than losses. I am entering 2017 with hope -- and hope you will, too.

But 2016...smell ya later!

Wishing you all a very happy and safe New Year.

Four Years

It's So Quiet

I know, it's so quiet on here. Sorry 'bout it. Things have been going on...to make it up to vast audience (hi mom!), here are some of my 2014 YTD Instagram photos. Enjoy!

Let's Bowl Let's Bowl Let's Rock n Roll

A delight of potato, egg, and deliciousness at Bar Tartine

Very fancy poultry at Gary Danko

Trampoline at a winery? Don't mind if we do!

Love and surprises.

#iheartbeer

Love is all around us.

Feeling a Little Bah Humbug

As upside down as I feel

As much as I try, I have a hard time with Christmas. I am not really sure why, but this year especially, I am feeling rather bah humbug about it all. Maybe because it came on so quickly after Thanksgiving? Maybe because my life is in the same place it was last year, when I hoped things would change?

I don't know, but I am definitely in the spirit to opt out of it all this year (feel free to give me a lump of coal, Santa). Of course, that isn't a choice, and I am trying, trying to get into it. This year it has been so cold in SF that it feels almost like it would snow (but we've barely seen any rain even since last year) -- we've gotten to bundle up and snuggle by a fire, so you would think it would be easier to feel the season. I even went to NYC to see the holiday decorations...but, still...

Is there a trick to get into the season?

She's Crafty: DIY Wall Decor

 I have been in the processes of redecorating my front room since sometime in early 2013. One thing I had decided to do was decorate wood letters with maps -- ideally, spelling HOME and showing all the places I've lived.

Doing this myself, I figured, would be the most cost-effective way of doing it (also, at that point I hadn't seen these in stores...that has since changed); it would also be the best way to personalize them.

The first thing I did was head to the craft store to find my wooden letters. I was a bit disappointed to see that the thick cut letters I wanted were not available in wood, so I had to go with paper mache. Ultimately, this was the better choice -- they were fairly inexpensive (plus my mom had coupons...thanks mom!), and they were super light to hang on the wall. Unfortunately, they were also out of the letter "H," which is a rather critical part of spelling HOME. So, I went with what was available, and spelled CASA...same meaning, different language.

Then,  I figured out what maps I wanted to use, which places I wanted to represent my life. I then ordered them from AAA, because, as a part of my membership, I get maps for free. I had some older ones, also, from these areas, so...recycling!

Next, I took a rather long hiatus. Funny how life gets in the way! I stared at those non-covered letters, and the maps sitting on my counter, for probably over three months. It got a little ridiculous!

Finally, I was fed up with the mess, the blankness, and, on a nice Sunday while watching football, I decided to tackle my project!

I took all the maps and laid them out, figured out the order, and then started cutting. There was a little bit of moving things around, and tilting the letters just so -- it was important to me to get particular towns/cities represented. I used a straight edge razor to cut the maps...if I were to do it again, I would use a razor pen; my lines were a little uneven and not as exact on the letters as I would have liked. Lessons learned.

I then painted the letters. I used a darker color -- the leftovers I had from painting my accent wall. I painted everything but the side that would be up against the wall. In doing this first, it added a background to the letters in the case my maps didn't fit perfectly (which, they don't) or I cut things a little off (which, I did).

After letting the paint dry, it was time to start putting the maps on. I used Modge Podge (leftover from a project I did a few years ago). I covered the front of the letters liberally, then worked quickly to get the maps lined up and stuck on. Modge Podge starts to dry quickly, so there isn't a lot of time for readjustments.

I quickly realized just how poor my cutting had been...because of this, I had to do a lot of trimming on the letters (I used a sharp pair of scissors, and snipped slowly). I also had to add a bit of map to parts where I had undercut. I tried to match the color/terrain/routes, but they are not perfect. I know this will end up bothering me, but I don't think it is super visible unless you're looking for it.

I again let this all dry before hanging it on my wall. To try to ensure that everything lined up correctly, I measured from the top of each letter, then poked a hole at the same spot on each letter. Actually hanging the darn things was tricky...being short and only having two hands made measuring a challenge. But I did my best to line them all up on the wall, and then center each letter.

I've got them up, and am going to let them sit for a bit before moving things. I am pretty sure my S is upside down, and they are a little more squished than I would have liked. But overall -- not too shabby!

Total cost: Approximately 15$.

Represented: San Leandro, San Luis Obispo, Sevilla, San Francisco

Take a Moment

Taken by my travel partner, A

One of my favorite things while traveling is just to be. To be present in the moment, to be part of what is going on around me, to be relaxed and
take it all in.

We got the chance to do this on the Saturday of our travels to Ireland. It happened to be an important day on two levels -- it was the third anniversary of my dad passing, and my travel partner's birthday. Kind of a weird thing, no? Two very distinct celebrations, and, almost, appropriately opposite. Without one we cannot have the other.

I had my time to go visit a church, light a candle, do an ugly cry, and make peace, again, with things. It was good...I found a lovely church which reminded me very much of one here at home where my dad always tried to get me to attend mass (and said he would come join me, though he never did, even when I took him up on the offer).

So, because of the day, the importance of just being became even more so to me. It was important to just take part and be alive in what we were celebrating -- and I for one was completely focused on that. A & I found the cheese shop he really wanted to visit, and grabbed a bunch of cheeses, bread, meats, and what nots needed to have a little picnic. Then we made our way over to St. Stephen's Green.

I think both of us were expecting a bit of a bigger park -- a la Central or Golden Gate Park -- so we searched for a bit for the right amount of green space. We landed on a plot near the bandstand; I am so glad we did.

Picnic time!

We laid out our spread as people started to congregate at the bandstand. As luck would have it, those gathering were there to practice a little swing dancing. There were only a few people around us -- period -- when we first arrived, so we had found the best spot.

And this is where I started to think the universe has a funny way of letting itself be known. We sat and ate & drank, all while watching swing. This was one of my dad's favorite dance styles, and one he always made sure we danced to (when I could fight off my aunt). Soon, a song came on that we always danced to...the last time we had, he lectured me on drinking water between my actual drinks, and reprimanded me on not being a great follower... and all I could think was how strange and appropriate it was that this song -- that I hadn't heard in years -- would be playing here, on this day. I had struggled a bit with decided to stay extra time in Dublin, and this just made me feel at peace with my decision.

As I watched the people dance, and had another little cry, A took a nap, and the teenagers beside us had a great time chasing and flirting with one another (and reminding the rest of us that being a teen is hard work). More people arrived to sit around us, and it was such a great experience of just sitting and being. There wasn't a lot of talking, rather, there was a lot of just being a part of what was going on. From the teens playing "I have your hat" to the man on the phone allowing his baby to crawl around after him, it was such a great moment.

To just be.

Happy Thanksgiving!

May your day be filled with shimmy's and a fez-topped turkey.

Like, Gag Me with a Spoon

This past weekend, a group of friends & I tumbled out of bed far too early (well, rather, we had stayed out far too late the night before...rookie move) to head over to the park and participate in the first Awesome 80's Run.

Despite our moods, we were excited to get all dressed up in various shades of neon, put our hair in side pony's or pigtails, and head over to the event. As we rolled up, we could hear the 80's music pounding throughout the concourse, and we were ready to dance (and did...nothing like an 8am dance party).

We took our tutu-clad behinds over to the start line, and that's where things went downhill. The chute for the start was on the opposite side of the street, which meant crossing through folks running the 5K to get there. It also meant getting kind of yelled at if you found a break in the 5Kers to run across and get there. Because of this, we had to wait around 15 or so minutes after the start time to actually get going. It should be noted...it was important to go through the chute itself as that was the only timing mat on the entire route (until the finish).

Before I complain too much, I must say...people got REALLY into the costumes. I don't remember ever seeing so much neon in one place...there were groups of Care Bears, Pac-Man & his Ghosts, Double Dare participants, even dogs in hot 80s colors. At the start, everyone had a smile on their face and were ready to get down and have some fun.

Unicorn Sightings

Team "Delta Bravo" and their unicorn

Mer & another supporter of Team DB

This past week, the Red Bull Flugtag event came to San Francisco. 

My friend Meredith (in the 'fro) invited me to tag along with her to support her roommate, who had decided to make a unicorn and try to make it fly.

In which case, wouldn't it be a pegasus? 




We started off the day in the bunker area, enjoying a mimosa or three. Taking a tour around, there were some...ummm...interesting sights, including the Mystery Gang and men in huge red heels (their Flugtag was a huge shoe. Not sure how they thought that would fly, but...). These folks were definitely hoping The Mystery Machine would still be high off Shaggy's special fumes and would take them further across the water. Pretty sure that didn't happen.

The crowd was very excited, hoping to see at least one or two Flugtags make it further than 10 feet. The first couple went off the ramp and fell right into the water. Our Team DB didn't fare much better, taking a dump off the ramp pretty much right after launch.

Team DB's fans eagerly anticipate the launch

Who doesn't?

I know this event happens in other places, but it feels  very "San Francisco." In this this Neverneverland, the thought of so many Peter Pans building something they hope can make them fly, but lacking Tink's pixie dust to get it done, is pretty on the nose.

Please vote!

This isn't another political post (thankfully, those elections are dunzo!).

The Princess Project, which I have talked about several times, is up for San Francisco's favorite charity.

Please take a moment to vote for us!

With your help, we'll get even more comments like these:

Moment Like This

A moment in cowboy boots on a tractor. 

Earlier this summer, I took a bit of a road trip with a good friend of mine. We were on our way to another friend's wedding, but it was in a bit of a random location that required a total  of about eight hours of driving for the two of us.

Being in the car that long, we, of course, covered many topics. And one of those topics was moments. About how you can look at your life as a whole, but moments, small glimpses in time, are what really define you. Good moments, bad moments; they all make us who we are.

And, driving across a part of the country that I've never seen, and arriving to a weekend full of joy and love and fun... thinking about this could not have been more appropriate.

The first part of that drive actually occurred on my parent's 38th wedding anniversary, a moment that I am very grateful happened. And that drive was about three weeks before the second anniversary of my dad's passing (24 August), a moment I wish I hadn't experienced for 40 or 50 more years.

Reliving the 90s

Could I sweatshirts BE any bigger?

The other day I was at my mom's, and I happened upon my college photo albums. And, wow...they were a treat.

OVERALLS!

It's sometimes hard to remember what defined the 90s. The kids who grew up then often try to identify with the 80s (I became a teenager in the 80s, and identify much stronger with the 90s...kids born in the 80s are a little skewed ;-) ), so the 90s get overlooked. Which is a true shame. These pics are set firmly in the mid-90s, so are pretty much removed from the 80s fads and really are those that defined the decade.

The first thing I noticed (aside from the fact that in, about 90% of the pics, we were drinking...sorry mom, that's what I really learned in college)? All the plaid. Sometimes tucked in, often untucked, every color of the rainbow. There is hardly a picture without a peek of plaid (sometimes the shirt was tied around the waist, but it was there). And...those shirts were severely oversized. I don't think I was that much bigger in college, but my tops were at least an XL (adjusting for "vanity" sizing, I should have been about a medium back then), and this seemed to be the case for almost everyone...

On the Road

Travel.

As a kid, I feel like I traveled quite a bit...though we barely left California and never left the USA. I was extremely to lucky to grow up where I did, where so much change -- in topography, climate, and culture -- in just a few hour's drive. Often, when thinking about "travel," many people automatically assume that means going somewhere international, and poo-poo domestic travel as "not real." And while I, too, think it is important to get out of your home country, that it helps you gains some perspective, I don't think people are inherently wrong or ignorant for doing so. We live in a huge and diverse country, hell, I live in a huge and diverse state...so even going to another part of my state can be a huge cultural shift for me. To me, travel is getting out of your comfort zone and home and experiencing something different.

Family reunion in Eureka...underneath a Redwood tree in my
aunt's backyard

This thinking, and appreciation of this type of travel, stems from how I grew up. Our vacations did not involve going to far-flung countries, or even cities or states very far away. Most of our travels as a whole family occurred within a few hours of home, and involved a car ride, wriggling in the back seat, and perhaps a punch or two -- this was before the days of any sort of entertainment in the car other than a book -- and an eventual arrival to the Redwoods or maybe the Monterey area or something. My dad's schedule (and, I think, general dislike of being too far from home) defined a lot of what we were able to do as a family of four.

I loved getting away from home for a little while. Hotels were the coolest thing when I was a kid -- there were pools! Unlimited ice in the halls! The chance to get some junk food from the vending machine RIGHT THERE! Then there was the camping -- which we still do to this day; when I was little we only did this one or two summer weekends a year, and it meant going to the River and playing with my older cousins, chasing after a kid named Neil with shaving cream for the Sadie Hawkins dance, and playing at this magical place called Piggy Park.

I do remember a few plane trips -- we went to Disneyland (every once in a while, my dad was able to join us), and once to this far-flung place called Austin, Texas, to meet relatives...I remember being on the UT campus and thinking it was the most neat-o place in the world and maybe someday I could go to school there and hang out in that huge library. But mostly I remember the car rides with the four of us.

Should I ever have kiddos, I'll be hauling them on some international travel. But equally important will be the local trips, visiting and appreciating the things we have right in our own backyard, and understanding how those experiences are vitally important to the people they will become.



This is a part of the BootsnAll Indie Travel Challenge. Each week, they give a different prompt...I'm starting a little late; this is in response to week 18, "Family Travel."


I'm working on catching up!

A'shopping We Will Go

Flea Markets are one of those things I've never understood. How people can get so excited about a glorified garage sale (my perception) was something extremely foreign to me. I am not much of a shopper, period, unless I have something specific that I need/want. It is...exhausting.

Nope, not a trunk.

Recently, I found myself in need of sprucing up my home a bit. I am bored with things, and hate some of the things I have, and just need to make some changes. One such change includes a new coffee table, which, I would like to be an old travel-style trunk. While this is something I guess I could spend some gross amount of money on at Pottery Barn, I wanted to find something more authentic (oh, and, I don't have even close to a gross amount of money). I had heard through the grapevine (and read on the interwebs) that this is the sort of thing I could find at garage sales/flea markets/antique stores.

Enter Treasure Island Flea Market.

This market is relatively new -- about a year -- and they are doing a great job promoting it. I have seen it referenced in emails, on buses, from friends...enough that I definitely took note of it (and I tend to not notice a lot). Treasure Island doesn't always feel super accessible -- you have to get on the bridge and, more dauntingly, merge back mid-way to get back home -- but it is only about 10 minutes or less outside of the City.

It was a lovely Sunday that my friends & I headed over. Driving through the Island, we noticed a proliferation of wineries -- also very new information! We spilled out of the car, four people and 2 dogs, and headed on in, prepared to be wowed.

At one of the first stalls I happened upon, I found some great trunks. Not being an impulse buyer (ahem), I decided to keep trucking on to see what else may be out there, and could I get the best deal. I was absolutely fascinated by 1. how common these old trunks seem to be, 2. what else was being sold there. One booth had the mixing bowls my mom owns -- white with green flowers that she got for a wedding gift in 1974 -- for 12$/each. Another had a bunch of junk items from my childhood for prices way higher than what we paid way back when.

And then we came upon this stall that was selling homemade signage with various inspirational quotes...and these cute, bicycle-like push carts. Both my friend A & I were entranced...oh, the things we could do with these carts. Again, not being impulse buyers, we walked away...but were drawn back moments later after talking each other into them. They are all homemade from recovered parts, and are super, super cute. To me, it was the kind of thing you see in wine country for some crazy price. These were very reasonable. I only wish the vendor had a company name or website or anything where I could recommend them -- a wife & husband, nice as can be.

With our major purchases under our belt, our energy was spent, and it was time to head off to drink some wine and toast our success.

Not sure if I personally would head back out there anytime soon, but it was a really fun experience. There were tons of people & pooches, a bike demonstration, and a whole "food court" of trucks. If I need something unique or more vintage, this would be a great starting (and possibly finishing) point. For now, I will content myself with my new bicycle cart and figuring out what to do with it.

Held the last weekend of each month. Admission is 3$, and they sometimes offer specials from the discount sites that include wine tasting and food from the food trucks.

5 for 10

5 years. Each year, the Presidio10.

see what I did there? I crack myself up.


It was a cool day, this April morning...a cool fog hung low over Chrissy Field, muffling the sounds of the announcer reminding us how to put on our toe tags (or, since that was too morbid for the guy who walked up, bent over, and fixed mine, the shoelace timer chip) and making sure we all were ready to start running, if only to keep warm.

After a...umm...stirring rendition of the national anthem, the countdown began and we were off running.

The course this year was super crowded. My friend A got a good lane and sprinted off ahead of us, basically kicking @ss on the race. We could see her running hard ahead of us and tried to cheer her on...but yells don't carry so far over the din of Golden Gate Bridge traffic. My friend R & I were left behind her, and some people who just would not let us pass -- including the woman who pretty much threw elbows to not let us pass her as we approached the finish line. I did appreciate the people who shouted, "On the left" as they bowled past us...I need to try that tactic next time!

Each time I run one of these races, and finish, I find myself a little amazed. Me. A runner. Not a very quick one, but as The Penguin said at a speech before my first half-marathon, it is about finishing to the best of your own abilities. I think back to the days spent struggling to run a mile at soccer practice, or the coach getting mad at me for perhaps cheating on a long run for lacrosse (or at least walking a lot of it), and if you had told that girl that she would be actually looking forward to a run, much less signing up for races, she would have smacked ya in the face in disbelief.

Of course, the carrot at the end of the stick was in the form of beer. Cold, delicious beer, served up by some handsome dudes. Can't beat that!

Ready Ready Ready to Run

Whoo-hoo, we finished!

I did my first half marathon in 2004 -- the inaugural Nike Marathon for Women, and probably the toughest I have ever done (the hills! more hills! never-ending hills!). Since then, I have done several others, averaging about one a year. Each time, I say this will be my last, that my body can't take it, my knees hurt too much, it's too far... Each time, hoping to go out with a bang at a really awesome race.

And, each time, finding myself finishing and already thinking about what my next one will be. Most recently, by the time I crossed the finish line at the Healdsburg Half, I was already looking ahead to the next time I could make my body hurt so good.

I chose the Oakland Running Festival half marathon as my next. I had heard really good things about it from previous years, including that it ran by Farmer's Produce -- by dad's business and what ended up being the launch pad to his next journey. This was a daunting prospect as I hadn't been anywhere near there since the summer of 2010. I was drawn to it, however, because it was close to home and perhaps I'd see some familiar faces, both on the course and at the finish line.

As the day approached, the weather reports did not look so hot. I spent at least two days trying to figure out how to best dress for 2.5 hours of constant downpour...and was none too happy. When the day rolled around to go pick up our race packets, we were greeted with an unpleasantly cold rain. People tried to tell me running in the rain was GREAT! THE BEST. I respectfully disagreed.

But, when the morning of the race rolled around, the sun decided to fight through the clouds and send its rays down on us. Unfortunately, due to the forecast, many of the route bands and spectators stayed away (couldn't blame them), but those that were out there were awesome. We especially enjoyed the unexpected brownie bites from Brown Sugar Kitchen in West Oakland. Those should be required in every race!

Running past the market took me by surprise...thankfully my running partner kept talking as we went by and didn't get too weirded out by my sudden tears and inability to breathe. I was sure glad to get that over with.

That all said...eventually we finished, with my mom & aunt cheering us on at the finish line. Not anywhere near the time I would have liked, but, oh well, sometimes thems the breaks. Half Marathon #8 in the books, and I am, again, trying to figure out when my next 13.1 will be run!

On a Bad Day..

This makes everything better.

Week in Pictures: Around the Hood

Ok...so this is actually two weeks of pics. I think I did a little better! Most of these were taken around my fabulous neighborhood...And, yes, the cherry blossoms are in full bloom even though it's only February!

Next Week: Signs

 

Week in Pictures: A Day in the Life

So I did a little better this week!

Next week: Around the 'hood

Wall of Fame 

Tree-line streets on the morning walk

Running errands and thinking of my pals in Sweden

Strolling down Fillmore Street

Lovely city views from the park