Sometimes, I Get Angry

I am tired of the fertility posts that are either -- hey, look at the bright side, they kept their heads up, blah blah nobabycakes; or, I am so sad and can't believe other people are so rude to be having a baby when I have problems, woe is me. It's like there is no middle ground.

I am human. I am complex. I made choices:

• I want a kiddo. 
• I can be sad or angry for myself, but that should not preclude me from being happy for others, or sympathetic when they are having a tough time parenting. It's not all about me; I chose not to be hypersensitive to every thing to the point of offense (and, yes, I believe this is a choice. Maybe I'm harsh...but oh well; I am a little fatigued of women feeling like no one else in the world should dare speak baby in front of them, or complain about how tough things can get.) 
• That I would be honest and forthcoming, with the good and ugly, so that other women wouldn't feel alone or ashamed that they are feeling "abnormal" 
• That starting a family -- and the challenges to get there -- would not be my main topic of conversation day in and day out.

That said. I am human. The last year has not been easy. Keeping up the "good fight" has not been easy. Maintaining work, life...not easy.

Some days I get sad. I'd be lying if I didn't admit that a lot of the time, I also get angry. A lot of this doesn't seem fair (J's response to this is usually, "Life isn't always fair, it's complicated."), and makes me question every single thing I have done with my reproductive health throughout my life -- should I have stayed on the pill so long? Did the IUD do something? Maybe I shouldn't have gotten the D&C? WHY ME (but really, more, why any of us)?

It's also unfair to J -- this isn't what he planned in his life, either -- but he seems to handle it much better than I.

I see everyone around me with babies, and occasionally I wonder, "why not me?" "When will it be my turn?" I am not a patient person, I am also not a passive person....I am a doer who goes after what she wants. This new process we are in, however, doesn't allow for much active behavior. There's a lot of waiting. And I feel like I can't move forward in other parts of my life while this is in limbo.

I watch shows like Girls, where this season, Hannah Horvath, the main character, gets pregnant accidentally. And I am in awe (and yes, I know this is a TV show)...everyone I know who is trying to get pregnant has to take their temp each morning, log everything in an app, take an ovulation test...but here it's easy (it always is on TV...except for my new spirit animals: Monica & Chandler). I wonder if our child's birth mother might be someone like Hannah -- a twenty-something who suddenly finds herself pregnant. And I wish and hope that this woman who will be our child's birth mother would just find us already.

I am human. I am sad. I am angry. But I am ok. I made choices. And I have found that I am stronger than I thought I was, or could be.

The Small Percentage

20% of known pregnancies become non-viable/end in miscarriage.
2% of known pregnancies end in missed miscarriage (the body does not expel the fetus, even after non-viability)
30% of D&Cs from a missed miscarriage lead to Asherman's Syndrome (uterine scarring)
23.5% of women over 35 diagnosed with Asherman's are able to give birth.

What does this all mean?

My doctor was convinced I would get pregnant very quickly once I got my period. Frankly, I thought I would, too! But when that period never came...we started to get concerned. We waited a bit...just in case my body was taking its time getting back on track. When after over two months came and went, it was time to take things into my own hands and push for further diagnosis. (tip: become your own advocate. Push when you think something is wrong.) 

First I had a sonogram -- luckily we had this scheduled because my doc thought she saw a strange blood vessel and wanted to get it checked. That didn't tell us much, but the sonogram doc recommended that I have a sonohysterograph. Sounds intimidating, no? (tip: take a few ibuprofen and be prepared for some cramping. It is uncomfortable but not painful) The doctor became concerned when she could barely get the fluid in. I became concerned when she said that meant there was some scarring...and the call from my ob-gyn further confirmed this and suggested I see a specialist.

Off I went to a specialist in minimally invasive gynecological surgery. Full of hope, I watched as he looked over my results. I listened as he talked about my uterine scarring, also known as Asherman's syndrome, and went over how he would perform the surgery, an operative hysteroscopy, and the risks involved. And a few days later, there I was in the operating room, and shortly thereafter, in the recovery room. The scarring was extensive, he had gotten most of it, but I needed to have one more to finish it off. In the meantime, I would take estrogen to help build my endometrial lining, and progesterone to help get my body to have a period.

Knowing what I know now...not getting that period would have been a sign that something else was wrong. I didn't know that then, though...what I did know was that I had a short window in which to have this surgery before I, once again, had to travel for work. I adjusted my schedule, and on our first anniversary, 9 May 2016, I went in for my second hysteroscopy.

I will not forget the look on my doctor's face when he told me that while he had gotten all the scarring, my endometrial lining was less than optimal; in fact, it was almost non-existent. After a month of estrogen, it should have been nice and thick...and it wasn't. I cried a lot that day. J felt sad that day. To me, that news was harder than hearing our pregnancy was non-viable. It was harder than the D&C procedure that had likely caused the scarring. The following day when my ob-gyn called to tell me to say she'd never seen anything like this, reminded me she had stopped the D&C so she wouldn't go too deep, and that I would need to consider other options, I cried more.

In a weird way...it felt like the first time I had felt something visceral since my dad passed away. The sorrow was deep, my cried more like bellows...I wonder what the person in the hotel next to me thought. I quickly made an appointment with the fertility specialist, but that day, I started grieving. I had lost my ability to carry a child.

We went to the specialist -- tried a few more rounds of estrogen. We tested my eggs -- there were a lot and they were good. My body was absorbing the estrogen well, but still my lining didn't exist. The cruel irony didn't escape me...I thought it would be my age that would hinder our ability to have kids, but no, I am fertile Myrtle but with no place to put 'em! I listened and cried as two different fertility docs told me to consider surrogacy. I grieved that my body couldn't do what it was supposed to.

And I was angry. Angry that my body couldn't do what it was supposed to. That through no fault of my own, my fertility was taken from me. I was angry that my body felt terrible -- bloated and crampy -- and I got no relief. And I was sad that J's chance for a bio child was taken from him, too. That took a long time to get past.

During this time I also suddenly lost my uncle, which, in a weird way, helped make our next step decision a bit easier.

So what does this all mean?

It means I had a lot of bad luck in the fertility department. How I ended up in this small percentage, I don't know. But I did.

This wasn't where I expected life to take us. I allowed myself to grieve and be sad. This was very important. I tried not to be too hard on myself -- which in itself was tough. Once I allowed for all of that...I was able to focus on our next journey.

When It's Finally Over

When your pregnancy is found to be non-viable, you have a few choices:
1. Wait for it to pass naturally
2. Take medication that causes your body to abort
3. Have a medical procedure
4. Drink (well...that is an adjunct to all of those!)

I had a work trip planned about two weeks after we found out. I didn't have the luxury of time, but also, my body wasn't doing a great job of miscarrying on its own. I decided first to take medication.

This was the only time I slowed down slightly from work. I relaxed, took the medication, and waited for the cramping to come. I waited...and waited...and waited...There was one moment when I thought, yes, this is it. But a small clot passed and a small cramp, and that was it.

This gave me a lot of time to think and get angry.
Why was my body behaving in such a way?!
Could it not do anything right?

This did no good, I could not will my body to pass this mass of tissue that was now tricking my body into thinking it was still pregnant. Until I could let it go, I would remain tired. My boobs would remain swollen. My hormones would remain a bit out of whack.

I remained hopeful throughout the weekend that the medicine would take care of things. Alas, it was not to be. My body -- she is a stubborn one! We had a contingency plan with the doctor should this happen, and that was to get a dilation and curettage (D&C) early in the week. This carried with it some risk, but I was told that it was minor and the best way, at this point, to complete the miscarriage.

I have always been a strong advocate for a woman's right to choose, and for safe access when a woman chooses to end her pregnancy. After going through the procedure myself, this need to safe access resonates even more so. This is not a sophisticated procedure -- you have strong pain medication, and the doctor sticks a suction tube up your lady bits and scrapes around. Without a sterile environment, by a professional who knows what they are doing, there is a huge risk for infection or worse.

At any rate, my doctor and I chit chatted while I tried to stay brave throughout the procedure. I was super grateful for my high pain tolerance...though I did ask them to pump up the drugs at one point. And then, just as quickly as it had all started, it was over.

The procedure. My pregnancy. All officially over.

It was pretty unceremonious, and while they required that someone pick me up, I could have just as easily driven myself home.

Which I should have...because to add insult to injury, I ended up getting a parking ticket after leaving my car parked nearby overnight.

A Different Type of Devastation

The toughest thing for me was not that the pregnancy didn't proceed the way we would have liked. For me, it was the incredible loneliness that was associated with it and the ensuing events.

Physically, I was not alone. I have a wonderful husband by my side who was also dealing with his own grief. And, since we had made the choice to tell so many people, we had a lot of support.

But emotionally, I felt stranded. Everyone was treating me like I should be devastated. Tiptoeing around, both wanting to bring it up and not wanting to bring it up at the same time. All of this was out of love for me & J, this I knew. But I wasn't devastated, not by this. Devastated was what I felt when my dad passed away, like the rug had gotten pulled out from under me and beneath it, the floor was missing. With this, though...I was sad, yes, but intellectually I knew this was the way my body was supposed to work. And I was very sad for J.

And the hormones do nothing to help this sense of sadness, the sense of feeling like an oddball, nor do they help make sense of much. (postpartum depression, I learned, can happen even when the pregnancy doesn't proceed)

I spent a few nights googling "not devastated by miscarriage," or "non-viable pregnancy but feel ok." And I found very little. I found pages and pages of women who wrote they could barely function -- was there something wrong with me?

J told me to get off the internet. And it was true -- all it was doing was making me feel worse that I didn't feel that bad. I was shaming myself to feel something I didn't. Which is dumb. And it was just exacerbating that feeling of loneliness.

But here I am writing on the internet, and you are reading on the internet, so let me say this. The truth is, there is no right way to feel. We all have different reactions, and none of them are wrong. For me, I know that if this pregnancy had been right, it would have remained viable. Instead of feeling devastated, I choose to see this as my amazing body doing what it was supposed to do. So I was not devastated by my miscarriage*. Instead, I was confident that next time it would be different. Or, if it wasn't, my body would again to its job. I chose appreciation and awe.

*yes, I hate the word miscarriage...but this is to help other women who may be searching for that particular phrase, like I had

So Wrong it Could not be Righted

I was not that shocked to learn that our pregnancy was not viable. A part of me had felt that it'd all been too easy -- we had "pulled the plug" on my IUD just three months earlier, and had only really been trying for a month (trying = tracking my cycle, taking my temperature, watching when the moons aligned, yadda yadda yadda). This easy barely happens -- especially not to women my age (or so I thought). Then once the doctor started giving us subtle clues that things were less than ideal, I started to prepare myself.

Still, as I prepared to leave work to go to our ten-ish week sonogram, I was optimistic. The waves of nausea, while mostly gone, had happened. My boobs still occasionally hurt. I was still tired all.the.time. So I was caught a bit off guard when I made one last pit stop before the drive, and found I was bleeding.

My heart was racing as I got into my car for the long drive to the doc. I debated calling J -- why worry him if it is nothing? (I called him) Throughout the drive, I waited for the big cramps, for the pain, the gushes of blood that you see/they describe on TV or in the movies. (Never happened)

When we did the sonogram (and, I should note...early in pregnancy, these are mostly trans-vaginal, not like on the belly -- much more invasive!), the doctor confirmed our fears. We could see the little gummy bear, but we could see no flutter, which by then should have been more than a feather. I think J was a bit gobsmacked...me, I immediately wanted to know what was next.

Indulge me for a moment as I step on my soapbox about some common terminology. I do not like the word miscarriage -- it implies that I did something wrong. I did not "lose the baby," I did not misplace it (and in my case, it wasn't quite a baby yet). The word abortion takes on a whole new meaning when you see it on your medical records -- and once you go through the D&C procedure often used when a pregnancy is terminated, you realize the importance of keeping it legal and safe. So much of the terminology feels, when you're going through it, like you are to blame.

Which I was not. I prefer to say our pregnancy was non-viable. Because my body is so amazing it could tell there was something so wrong that it could not be righted, and the safest solution was for it to cease support. The female body is truly incredible.

What We Needed to Hear

If we'd really listened, perhaps we would have heard.

If the doctor had been more direct, perhaps we would have understood.

The moment she realized she "forgot" to print the sonogram picture, perhaps we should have known.

As we walked away with a weird print out of measurements -- measurements that were not what they should have been -- perhaps we would have heard what she wasn't saying.

I don't blame us. There were were, a hopeful, newly-expectant couple. A few weeks earlier, the blood tests showed that the pregnancy was progressing at a normal pace. We arrived at the doctor's office that morning -- two days before Christmas -- excited to see our baby for the first time, to see its heart beat.

And we did. We saw the little blueberry. We saw the small feather of a flutter, the heart seemingly beating away. "It's small," said the doctor,"but sure, go ahead and tell your families, if you want, that there's something there with a heartbeat. Your actual doctor will be able to tell you more at your next appointment."

And while I tried to stay positive, what she said didn't sit well with me. What she didn't say sat even worse.

What she should have said is that due to the size (measuring at about five weeks, when it should have been at least eight weeks), that the pregnancy would not likely be viable. Instead, after much prodding from me in subsequent emails, she eventually said, "Sometimes these things turn out ok. But you'll need to talk to your doctor."

What she should have done was be direct. Rather than talking softly, or putting the onus on our doctor, she should have just told us what she was seeing. While it wouldn't have changed the outcome, it would have saved us a little bit of grief, or allowed us the space to think about if it was really something we were ready to share.

Perhaps if we would have listened harder, we would have heard what she didn't say.

Four Years

Feeling a Little Bah Humbug

As upside down as I feel

As much as I try, I have a hard time with Christmas. I am not really sure why, but this year especially, I am feeling rather bah humbug about it all. Maybe because it came on so quickly after Thanksgiving? Maybe because my life is in the same place it was last year, when I hoped things would change?

I don't know, but I am definitely in the spirit to opt out of it all this year (feel free to give me a lump of coal, Santa). Of course, that isn't a choice, and I am trying, trying to get into it. This year it has been so cold in SF that it feels almost like it would snow (but we've barely seen any rain even since last year) -- we've gotten to bundle up and snuggle by a fire, so you would think it would be easier to feel the season. I even went to NYC to see the holiday decorations...but, still...

Is there a trick to get into the season?

Boo: Going Gluten-Free on United Airlines

If I could recommend one thing...it would be to just say no, if you can, to United Airline's Gluten-Free option.

In general, I get that airline food isn't always the best. I have never really minded it too much -- to me it always meant I was going somewhere fun! And often times, I would request a special meal, usually the lacto-ovo, figuring I was more likely to get something semi-healthy.

So, as I headed to Ireland, I decided to request a gluten-free meal, knowing the I wouldn't likely adhere very well to my doc's advice while in Dublin. This was an unfortunate decision. Clearly someone at United as decided that gluten-free must be bland, rubbery, and overall gross.

The lunch option showed up at my seat, and I was excited to dig in as I was very hungry. I was greeted with a limp, iceburg lettuce salad with a lemon -- no tomato, no salad dressing. Then a chicken breast as an entree, which was dry, rather rubbery, and without any seasoning. There was also some bland rice, and some steamed broccoli, which was surprisingly good. Thankfully, there was another lemon with the entree, to give it a little moisture. For dessert? A cup of apple sauce. I ate...I guess the only nice thing I could say is that it was around 300 calories, leaving room for some liquid calories!

The breakfast was even more disappointing. A rice cake, one, wrapped in an obscene amount of saran wrap, and yet another cup of applesauce. 

I get that food is a nice to have on these flights, but after seeing this, I wish they would have had those nicer options that we could buy. I'm lucky I have the option to eat a standard meal on my flight home!

Like, Gag Me with a Spoon

This past weekend, a group of friends & I tumbled out of bed far too early (well, rather, we had stayed out far too late the night before...rookie move) to head over to the park and participate in the first Awesome 80's Run.

Despite our moods, we were excited to get all dressed up in various shades of neon, put our hair in side pony's or pigtails, and head over to the event. As we rolled up, we could hear the 80's music pounding throughout the concourse, and we were ready to dance (and did...nothing like an 8am dance party).

We took our tutu-clad behinds over to the start line, and that's where things went downhill. The chute for the start was on the opposite side of the street, which meant crossing through folks running the 5K to get there. It also meant getting kind of yelled at if you found a break in the 5Kers to run across and get there. Because of this, we had to wait around 15 or so minutes after the start time to actually get going. It should be noted...it was important to go through the chute itself as that was the only timing mat on the entire route (until the finish).

Before I complain too much, I must say...people got REALLY into the costumes. I don't remember ever seeing so much neon in one place...there were groups of Care Bears, Pac-Man & his Ghosts, Double Dare participants, even dogs in hot 80s colors. At the start, everyone had a smile on their face and were ready to get down and have some fun.

Reading is FUNdamental: Book Roll 2011

Another year gone by, another batch of books read. Similar to my 2010 list, I figured I would break a few things down for 2011.

I didn't read as much as I would have liked...I have no good excuse, really. With addition of Kindle books to Overdrive (the best app ever), hopefully I'll be better in 2012!

January

• Inside a Dog, Alexandra Horowitz
  A really interesting examination into life as a dog -- what they like, don't like, smells, etc. Who knows how much is accurate -- until they can talk, we'll never know -- but did make remember sometimes to just let Luca be a dog.
  
  
• Like Water for Elephants, Sarah Gruen
  This has been on my Amazon recommendation list for a long time, and finally it was available at the library. I really enjoyed the behind-the-scenes look at a circus (and, this just confirms my lack of desire to ever go to a circus, ever). The storyline/ending was a little predictable, and a little bit of a cop-out at the end, but overall a good, captivating read.

April
(not sure what happened to February & March...did I just boycott?)

• April: Mary Ann in Autumn, Armistead Maupin
  In what I am assuming is the last of the Tales of the City series, Mary Ann comes home. Maupin wrapped up a lot of loose ends in this book -- some unnecessarily-- but if you are a fan of TotC, this is a must read. How I wish they would continue the movies...I miss Laura Linney's Mary Ann & Olympia Dukakis's Mrs. Madrigal!
  
  
• Less than Zero, Bret Ellis Easton
  Like so many of Easton's books, Less than Zero is an examination of privilege in the 80s (or lack thereof). I have seen this heartbreaking movie several times, and so perhaps my mind was tainted with those faces & characters that I know so well. I had a rough time getting into the book. A good read, but I kept waiting for things (from the movie) to happen that never did.

May

• Jane Eyre, Charlotte Bronte
  A definite classic, and deservingly so. Somehow, despite my English degree, there are many classics which I never read (probably on purpose)...this was one of them. This is not a quick read, and is one that, at times, is hard to follow, but is worth it! If anything, I now understand some random literary references that I never before understood.

June

• My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands, Chelsea Handler
  Ok, I totally did not get through this one. Read about 1/2, and after that, it just seemed like the same thing over and over again. I get it, she was a crazy youth (and probably continues to be a little bit so), but a lot of this book seemed like it was written for shock value.

July

• Look at Me, Jennifer Egan
  I read this one a long time ago, and it's been one of my favorite since. But I couldn't remember why, so thought it was a good time to check it out. A story of lives getting turned upside down, first love, and the complexity of people. Egan puts it all together so beautifully, you feel empathy for even the most horrid of characters.

August

• Anna Karenina, Leo Tolstoy
  Still have not made it through this one. Fingers crossed that it will happen in 2012.
  
  
• The Hunger Games, Catching Fire, & Mockingjay, Suzanne Collins
  Or, as I like to call it...3 days of my life, gone.

September

• Super Sad True Love Story: A Novel, Gary Shteyngart
  I really tried with this one...but couldn't do it.
  
  
• The Imperfectionists, Tom Rachman
  Intertwining tales of the staff at a failing Roman newsletter. I really didn't want this one to end, as there were a few stories where I just needed more closure. I loved reading about Rome so soon after being there, and loved the passage of time I experienced during the book.

October

• One Day, David Nicholls
  This movie looked horrible, but I had read the book was good. And it was...it was a fun read about a complicated relationship, even though I wanted to smack the shit out of the two main characters several times.
  
  
• A Visit from the Goon Squad, Jennifer Egan
  By far one of my favorite books of the year. (I should have known, I consistently enjoy reading Egan novels) Here, Goon Squad refers to time, and the book explores the passage of it. It is a series of vignettes that, at first, I wasn't too sure about, but as it went on, and the stories twined together more and more, I didn't want to put it down. Time, it is indeed a Goon.

November

• Major Pettigrew's Last Stand, Helen Simonson
  Another one that was on my Amazon recommended for a long time...and I am glad I finally read it! It's a story of love in your later years -- can you find it? Is it still appropriate? Does what used to matter to you still matter? And, does new love take away from what you felt from those that are no longer with us? And...do you care? Perhaps because I could identify with a lot of it (from a 3rd party point of view), but I really liked reading this one.
  
  
• Born to Run, Christopher McDougall
  Since reading this book, I have totally changed my thinking about running. I now run with a joy (even when it is painful, or boring) knowing that it is what my body was born to do. This is something I have never been very convinced about...after all, I am short and rather squatty, and I used to only seem to bulk up when I run, rather than slim down like everyone else. However, this book argues that the human body of all shapes and sizes were meant to run, that we were able to survive as a species due to our ability to run longer than our prey. I am not sold on the barefoot running aspect, but do believe we tend to overcorrect problems that perhaps aren't really there. (this is how, I am convinced, I was in serious pain throughout the summer and until very recently...the foot doc put me in orthotics and shoes for overpronators, and that totally messed everything up. Since taking out the orthotics and going back to my old shoes, the pain has disappeared)

December

• Steve Jobs, Walter Isaacson
  A must-read for any fan of Apple or innovation in general. I remember when so much of this happened, and it was fun to see everything that went behind bringing us personal computers...and also Jobs's belief that people don't know what they want until you show them something they must have. Also, Jobs was kind of a jerk. 

A Year.

It well may be

That we will never meet again

In this lifetime

So let me say before we part

So much of me

Is made of what I learned from you

You'll be with me

Like a handprint on my heart.
- For Good, Wicked

As I sit here and write, a year has passed since I last saw my father. (and, on the date this is published, it is a year since he passed onto his next adventure) I actually consider this a lucky thing...many of us don't see our parents on a super frequent basis, and it could have been much longer between visits if not for the summertime & River. And I'm lucky that it was a really fun day -- some wine tasting, him being concerned about me & my friend D eating, game playing at the River, and him being concerned about me & D getting home. So typical of my dad...even though I am (allegedly) a grown up, he still worried constantly.

It's very hard to believe, still, that he's gone. My brain is still having a hard time wrapping around this fact. More than once I have gone to call him, and very recently said something aloud about having to ask my dad something. There's a fuzziness I can't explain, and a sadness I just can't shake. I don't know if I ever will; I think a little brightness will always be gone from my life.

That said, the days have indeed gotten easier. I never would have believed it -- not a day goes by without me thinking of him -- but it's true. Things start to feel a little more normal. I can actually smile with true happiness, and laugh with glee. I don't know that I will ever be the person I was, but I am getting closer to her.

The grieving process is a funny one. It is not linear, as the common lore will have you believe. You can be going on in your day, happy as a clam, then all of a sudden you are knocked on your ass  by a smell, a song, or a random comment. You can be really angry at the world, and then in the next moment be laughing your butt off. You can feel empathy even through your own hurt, and joy through the pain. It is weird. I wish it was something I didn't know, but...there's nothing I can do about it now.

My father was scheduled to have a procedure the day after he passed away, first exploratory to see if there were any blockages in his heart, and, if found, to put in stents. Many have asked me if I feel this would have changed things, if I am mad that this procedure didn't happen earlier (it was scheduled for a few weeks). I find it a waste of time to think abut these things, and there is no sense in being angry. I truly believe things happen that are out of our control (which is REALLY had for a control freak like me).

What I'd rather think about is his last day. I know I spoke to him less than 12 hours before he passed -- I can't quite remember about what, I know part of it was about my mom's birthday present, part of it was about me coming to the hospital for his procedure, but not sure what else. My uncle said he was walking around all happy that day, "annoyingly" so...which makes me happy. I once wrote a paper in college about death (in Spanish), and wondered if, in some subconscious way, people realize it is their last day, and make peace with it. Not thoughtfully, but deep down, their psyche realizes it. I don't know, but I'd like to think this was the case, I'd like to think of his last moments as peaceful.

And that's the thought that has helped carry me through each day over this past year, and will continue to give me strength in the years to come as I continue on this new journey.

Sidelined

I am not sure if this officially means I am old...but this week I was told I have bursitis in my hip.

I am pretty sure this is what my aunt had as she slid towards hip replacement. It is what all the people at the rest home complain about flaring up or something. It is not what should happen to a thirty-something hip.

Maybe I am being a little drama. The doctor said it happens to people of all ages, and perhaps I slipped off a curb or something running and irritated things (likely), and then continued to irritate it what with the ignoring of pain and the continuing of running and boot camp. Oops. The pain got so bad, and me so cranky, that I had to go to the doctor.

So now I am sidelined for at least a week, hopped up on lots of ibuprofen that, while it is FINALLY starting to help, is really upsetting my tummy. And I feel like a little old lady as I gimp along the street.

But, I am trying to listen to the doc and take it easy. And I hate it.

Sickness, Right?

It was a lazy, post-party Sunday. I innocently went to my friend's house to pick up my dog (who had an unplanned slumber party with said friend's dog due to party Saturday), and found that I needed to rest a bit before I headed back to my house.

She was also feeling the urge to rest before heading into the kitchen to make her coffee and get an aspirin, so graciously turned on the TV...to one of the most horrific shows I've ever seen.

"Extreme Couponing," which comes to us care of TLC, showcases very sick people who have an obsession with buying things they don't need with coupons. Some of these women apparently think it is cute, or that they are saving oodles of money...but they are sick.

Yes, they are saving money. But they are buying things they don't need. So...wouldn't the better savings be to not buy those 35 bottles of Malox? Or the 15th pack of hot dogs for a party of 20 people when your refrigerator is already stocked with them? These women were GETTING OFF on their purchases.

At least one was buying milk with coupons, so their kids were at least getting one thing fresh. But there was no fruit, no fresh veggies...all processed and frozen food that could be purchased with coupons.

I was grossed out enough that I had to sit through two episodes, hoping things would get better. But when it came time to roll off the couch and go back home, I just felt kind of ill. I am no paragon of good TV watching, but this was a low.

Boo: Tasting Fees

I am heading to Napa soon, and we wanted to do a little tasting before an event. In researching wineries, I have been appalled at the tasting fees. I can see perhaps justifying 5$ here and there, but many of the places have fees upwards of 20$! This is so ridiculous to me...

I consider myself very lucky to have grown up in the area I did, where I was close to beauty that others may never see in their lifetime -- the Bay, Yosemite, the Redwoods, vineyards... Each time I see these things, I am ever so grateful.

I love the wine country, and grew up visiting the area and various wineries...usually in the Russian River area, where I believe I first got served at around 15 by a particular place, but, still, throughout the Napa and Sonoma counties. Tasting has always been fun, and, when I was growing up, free.

Some waive the fee when you buy a bottle...but, still, the commercialization of the area is just out of control. I also understand the need for a winery to make money...really, I get it. But in the Napa area, you couple these ridiculous fees with complete snootiness of those pouring (and chintzy pours!), and where is the fun in that?

I have a bunch of wine that I have purchased simply because the tasting experience, and the memories that come with it, were so good. Maybe if they threw in a little food, the fees could be justified. But as it stands...I will take my business elsewhere, kind sir.

Holy Crazy Town

I really need to know where they find these crazy biotches of The Real Housewives. I think they are supposed to be 30/40 year old women, but they act like the mean girls in high school, screaming and ish and nothing!

Highlights include,

- "Hello police? There has been an alteration..."

- "I was attacked, my hair was pulled out of my head..."

- and the best...getting all bent because someone accused the other's home of being in foreclosure.

This was all in the space of a few minutes, and it makes me wonder if these women will ever look back and cringe at their own antics? Do they have that much sense?

I know...this is lame, but it's summer and not much is on later night TV.

Lack of Appeal

There are things that I just don't get...Crocs, mesh tops, ironic mustaches...and the appeal of Kristen Stewart.

First, a disclaimer...I have never seen any of the Twilight movies beyond the trailers they show incessantly on TV. I have no desire to see these movies. I don't know that I ever will. So...know that. Right now, as I write this, I am watching Adventureland, a movie that I really like, and where she plays the love interest.

But I have seen La Stewart in several other movies over the years, and, well, they can change her hair, they can change the name of her character...but they can't change the fact that she plays every part the same way: with the expression she is wearing in the picture above, and a disaffected attitude. Pretty much how she is on every red carpet, as well.

"I'm weird and awkward and going to pull my shoulders to my ears even though you all love me and I am a huge star."

Get over it, really. I have yet to see her show any range, or show any reason why all these guys in the movies would be in love with her. She barely smiles, which is too bad, because when she does, she's quite lovely.

There's really no point to this post, other than she bugs me in this movie and in the Twilight crap I can't seem to escape. I'm pulling for her to surprise us...but won't be shocked when that doesn't happen.

Boo: IKEA Do-It-Yourself

Generally, I like IKEA. They have pretty good stuff, the quality has gotten better, and usually it's not too hard to put together.

Usually.

Who'da thunk that this simple drawer set:

Would have resulted in this:

Yes, that is my hand. Yes, that is blood coming from said hand, a result of the hammer making contact with it while trying to build one of those stupid drawers.

The good news is that the drawer is now pretty much done. I hope the 2 months it took to build it and the mauling to my hand is worth it.

Things I Learned this Weekend...

So, after trying several times, I figured it out...I cannot get through a Jane Austen book. I have started two in the past week, and with both, after about 5 pages, I had to put it down.

I love the movies I've seen of her books -- Emma, Pride & Prejudice -- and those based on her books -- Clueless, Bridget Jones' Diary...but can't get through the books. I've always felt it was something lacking in my book reading history, but now I am over it.

BTW...Jane Austen's Book Club and Becoming Jane should have warned me off...those movies were terrible.

Mixed Feelings: Wicked, the Novel

I have been lucky enough to see Wicked, the play, twice since it debuted here in San Francisco earlier this year. So of course, being me, I needed to read the source material to find out how they matched up.

After finishing Wicked, the Novel, the first thing that is apparent is that the book influenced the play, and I could see where certain plot points came from, but beyond that...they weren't much alike.

I think had I not seen the play, I may like the book more. It took me a while to get into it, but once I did, I really wanted to find out what happened next. It was very dark, very twisted, but also really hard to follow at times. I feel like certain plot points -- specifically, the impending extinction of the Animals -- were very, very underdeveloped (and this, surprisingly, was something a little more developed in the play). The connection between the Witch and the Wizard was also a little ambiguous.

And, really...I did not like the Wizard, and had a hard time reconciling him with my image from the Wizard of Oz movie. And, also from what I remember from the original book, which I did read a long time ago (along with Return to Oz, which was super creepy). I feel like in this book, Maguire wanted to satisfy his own agenda, rather than truly develop further what we know of the existing characters.

Overall, I am really conflicted about this book. Considering Wicked, the play, has become one of my favorites, it is hard for me to stomach some the plot points in this book. It was also really tough for me not to bust out in song every time the Wizard was mentioned ("when I meeettt the Wiiizzaardd..."). And I feel like Maguire could have made more sense of some of the issues he was trying to exploit.

That said...I think had I read it before seeing the play, I may have enjoyed it more. I could have enjoyed the dark twistyness a little more.