07 November 2016

So Wrong it Could not be Righted

I was not that shocked to learn that our pregnancy was not viable. A part of me had felt that it'd all been too easy -- we had "pulled the plug" on my IUD just three months earlier, and had only really been trying for a month (trying = tracking my cycle, taking my temperature, watching when the moons aligned, yadda yadda yadda). This easy barely happens -- especially not to women my age (or so I thought). Then once the doctor started giving us subtle clues that things were less than ideal, I started to prepare myself.

Still, as I prepared to leave work to go to our ten-ish week sonogram, I was optimistic. The waves of nausea, while mostly gone, had happened. My boobs still occasionally hurt. I was still tired all.the.time. So I was caught a bit off guard when I made one last pit stop before the drive, and found I was bleeding.

My heart was racing as I got into my car for the long drive to the doc. I debated calling J -- why worry him if it is nothing? (I called him) Throughout the drive, I waited for the big cramps, for the pain, the gushes of blood that you see/they describe on TV or in the movies. (Never happened)

When we did the sonogram (and, I should note...early in pregnancy, these are mostly trans-vaginal, not like on the belly -- much more invasive!), the doctor confirmed our fears. We could see the little gummy bear, but we could see no flutter, which by then should have been more than a feather. I think J was a bit gobsmacked...me, I immediately wanted to know what was next.

Indulge me for a moment as I step on my soapbox about some common terminology. I do not like the word miscarriage -- it implies that I did something wrong. I did not "lose the baby," I did not misplace it (and in my case, it wasn't quite a baby yet). The word abortion takes on a whole new meaning when you see it on your medical records -- and once you go through the D&C procedure often used when a pregnancy is terminated, you realize the importance of keeping it legal and safe. So much of the terminology feels, when you're going through it, like you are to blame.

Which I was not. I prefer to say our pregnancy was non-viable. Because my body is so amazing it could tell there was something so wrong that it could not be righted, and the safest solution was for it to cease support. The female body is truly incredible.

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