On Anger

The end of the year always makes me rather introspective...even more so than normal. I love it when, this time of year, I find something that speaks to me so deeply. On the day that I read this story, it so fit how I was feeling, and, upon continuing through the book, I wondered if the author had somehow gotten into my head.

Hard to Admit and Harder to Escape by Sarah Manguso
Story #1
I'm angry at the drawer, which has failed to close again, and I'm angry at the person, who has disappointed me once again. But really I'm angry I consented to believe in carpenter ghosts and that I consented to love an asshole. It was I who committed the real injustices. When I figure that out, I'm so angry that I'll surely give up, but I do not. I'm too angry. I want to keep myself alive so I can commit further injustices against myself, the self who has already committed such injustices against me.

Aside from me just being in that kind of mood that day, I think this passage so perfectly describes what it is about anger that really gets to us...yes, we can be angry at other people, but deep down, we are angry at ourselves for allowing these things to happen. It is hard to get our head around that fact, which only makes us angrier.

Yet...we go on to open ourselves up to others over and over again. If we don't, it would be such a solitary life. But when we do, we also open ourselves up to the pain, and when it happens, we become angry all over again. It is a never ending cycle of masochism, apparently!

Can you tell I am totally in love with these books I am reading?